Managing contact with birth relatives Contact and connection There’s a lot to consider when you start thinking about being in contact. Try to take some time to weigh-up different methods of communication and the pros and cons for you and your situation. To begin with, some adoptees find written contact in some form allows them time to think things through and prepare their words carefully. This could be a letter, an email or a message. There is no one ‘right’ way to be in touch. So, you may want to consider what this communication would look like for you, ideally. How often do you want to be in touch? Are there any possible barriers to think about (for you or your birth relative)? It may be that you need to think about literacy skills, access to technology, having a fixed address for post, for example. Are you ready to meet face-to-face or would you prefer to talk first? Are you more comfortable with fixed contact eg a weekly email. Or are you flexible, with calls and messages whenever it suits? Are you comfortable with being available 24/7? Are replies expected? And how quickly? What boundaries might you need to put in place? For example, are there any times you aren’t available (while you work or late at night, perhaps)? If you would like more support with being in touch with your birth relatives, PAC UK offer private intermediary services. This service can include helping everyone involved reach agreements about what contact would look like going forward- the expectations, boundaries, concerns (even down to the language we use). As this service is private, it would be wise to have a chat about costs before you dive in. You may need some time to find the contact that suits you. Progress isn’t always linear, and there may be ‘ebbs and flows’ of the relationship. Times when it’s easy and times when it’s harder. It isn’t fixed and there will be periods of change- sometimes you will be building rapport. You may find the relationship and how you communicate evolving with time and shared experiences. The pace at which the relationship develops and how you find balance will be personal to you. Safety and precautions Take some time to think about your safety. Thinking about your boundaries and what you are ready to share about yourself is important. Even just initially, while you make contact and begin to get to know one another. Consider meeting somewhere away from your home, such as a café. You could think about using a third party address (like a PO box) or setting up a separate email address specifically for these communications. These boundaries could absolutely be relaxed as time goes on and you get to know each other better, but are harder to put in place retrospectively. Getting support Many adoptees benefit from having someone to talk to about their feelings and experiences of reunion and what comes afterwards. It can be helpful to have someone to listen and reflect and to act as a ‘sounding-board’ for you. Sometimes, that person is a friend or family member, but you may wish to talk to someone independent. Adoption UK's Psychology and Therapy Hub (PATH) offer a therapy service for adult adoptees. Adoption UK also offer an Adopted Person Membership. This includes access to lots of real life stories, an exclusive podcast and a community group where you can make connections and share experiences with other adult adoptees. PAC UK offer a free counselling service. They are very knowledgeable in this area and offer telephone counselling (usually around six sessions) with a specialist in order for you to explore issues, thoughts and feelings in confidence. The free service is available in some LAs only. Alternatively, Barnardos also offer a therapy service for anyone affected by adoption including your children, partner etc. The responses of others One of the complexities of the post-reunion relationship can be the responses of those around you. You may have adoptive parents and other family members and friends who are supportive and encouraging, or you may not. Your friends and adoptive family might be worried about this and have concerns. You might be wondering how to tell your children, partner or adoptive family about being in touch with birth family. You may be worried about how they will respond. Equally, you may find that birth family members find it difficult to adapt to suddenly having a ‘new’ family member (maybe one they weren’t expecting). Alternatively, in some cases birth parents may want to conduct the reunion ‘in secret’ for various reasons. It’s possible that you may need support with this and the people around you may need support too. If you would like to speak to someone who can provide information and signposting and who can offer a listening ear, contact our Information and Support Line. It is free and you can call from anywhere in the UK. Further reading Adoption Search and Reunion is a good source of information, especially around making contact and what comes next. Adoption, Search and Reunion: The Long Term Experience of Adopted Adults. David Howe and Julia Feast. This book explores what happens when adult adoptees search for/ are searched for by their birth relatives. Birthbond: Reunions Between Birthparents and Adoptees, What Happens After. Judith Gediman & Linda P. Brown. New Horizons Press, 1989. Interviews with birth parents, adoptees, adoptive parents and others to discover the impact of reunion on all involved. Reunion: A Year in Letters Between a Birthmother and the Daughter She Couldn't Keep. Katie Hern & Ellen McGarry Carlson. Seal Press, 1999. Beautifully written and authentic exchange between an English instructor at a Bay Area university and her birthmother as they get to know each other and face the issues and emotions of their reunion. The Adoption Reunion Survival Guide: Preparing Yourself for the Search, Reunion, and Beyond. Julie Jarrell Bailey & Lynn N. Giddens, M.A. New Harbinger Publications 2001. Using real-life stories, this compassionate guide helps adoptees and birthmothers decide whether or not to search and prepare for reunion. This is a US book, so the legal framework is described differently. The Adoption Reunion Handbook. Elizabeth Trinder. Wiley, 2004. Describes the experiences of adoptees tracing birth parents, offers practical advice on searching as well as what to expect. Contact through social media Manage Cookie Preferences