Get support For prospective adopters Birth children and adoption Age gap Many adoption agencies require an age gap of at least two years between the youngest child in your family and the child you are adopting. This is so that parents can meet each child's individual needs. Research suggests that adopting a child who is not too close in age to your birth child is more likely to go well than when children are close in age. It is more common for the adopted child to be the youngest in the family when they are placed, although this can vary depending on individual families' circumstances. Parenting experience Being a parent or carer can give you valuable experience as an adoptive parent. It is also worth considering the differences in adoptive and birth parenting. Parenting a child with experience of early life trauma including relational trauma is very different. The strategies that are effective for your birth children may not be for your adopted child. This is because their experience of the world is different and they may have different needs, personality traits and neurodiversity. They may also have a relationship with birth family relatives that whilst positive for them may also be challenging and complicated for them. Decision making as a family Before beginning the adoption process, prospective adopters should discuss their plans with the whole family and ensure that every family member understands what this would mean and is committed to support. Adopting with birth children can have great advantages but can also present some additional considerations and complexities. It is important that children understand what it could mean for them and the differences it is likely to make to their lives. It is also important to remember that adoption agencies are tasked with making decisions in the best interests of the child with a plan for adoption. The adoption process During the adoption process you will need to share information with your child that is appropriate to their age and understanding and at a pace that suits them. It is worth understanding the process yourself before you begin to share information with them. The training and preparation process is a good time to begin introducing information about the reasons why a child may not live with their birth parents and may be adopted into a new family. Younger children may develop their knowledge and understanding through sharing stories. We have listed some books as part of this factsheet. Children may need to gain an understanding of what being in care means and the role a social worker carries out. It is also important to remember that the average age a child is adopted is around 3 ½ years old. You may also begin to share some basic information about child development, attachment and trauma as well as some of the ways an adopted child may need to be parented differently from a birth child. You could begin to explore what this may mean in real life and which it may feel like to be treated differently from your adopted sibling. It may also be worth talking through how you might share your time with your children and the extra attention an adopted child may need when they first join your family and at other times in their life such as starting or changing school. As part of your family’s preparation process, your social worker will want to speak to your birth child. They will do this with sensitivity. Introductions and early weeks The period of introductions and the early weeks can be exciting but also emotionally tough for everyone involved. Your adopted child will be entering a situation which is entirely new to them and may be leaving foster carers who they have lived with for some time. They may be leaving other children who were in the foster placement with them and may have or have had a relationship with birth siblings. This can make forming a relationship with a new adoptive sibling complex and they make need time and support to allow this relationship to form. Most adopted children will have experienced grief and loss as well as neglect and abuse and so parenting them will be very different from parenting your birth child. This may not become immediately apparent but may emerge during the early weeks, months and years. It is likely that the dynamic in your household will change dramatically as your adoptive child’s needs, tastes, interests and personality become part of your family. Older birth children can play an invaluable part in helping younger adopted children to settle. Some birth children might struggle to adjust to their new position in the family. They may have concerns over sharing their parent’s attention, their space and their possessions. They may also test the household rules to see if the upheavals mean they can get away with things they could not in the past. Try and keep communication open and accept both of your children’s experiences and views. If they are struggling with having a new sibling, empathise with how difficult this is and support them to begin to take the perspective of their sibling. Remember that this a huge adjustment for everyone involved, and if your child is able to, then spending individual time problem-solving through what is, and isn’t, currently working for them can be a valuable tool. Tips to ease the transition Adopters who have a birth and an adopted child have made some suggestions for helping ease the transition to a new adopted sibling: Before your new son/daughter moves in display a photo of them and say “Hello” and “Goodnight” in the morning and evening. Encourage birth children to prepare for the arrival of their new sibling(s) by helping to get their bedroom ready. Give birth children time with you by for example playing games, reading or talking when the younger child is in bed. Let children keep their own things private and separate, with rules about privacy in bedrooms. Give each child reassurance and one-to-one time with the family’s adults. Accept your child’s feelings about their new sibling and explore them together, Can you find a way to ease any tension or grow your child’s understanding of their siblings perspective? Set a good routine. If you need to vent your feelings, do this with friends and family away from the children Reach out to others in the same situation. Further reading Books Welcoming a New Brother or Sister through adoption, Arletta James Adoption After a Biological Child, Holly Marlow Children’s books Adopting Alfred, Emma Lovelace The Kite’s Tale, Molly Ashton Adopting a Little Brother or Sister, Holly Marlow More information As part of Adoption UK’s membership, family members have access to a virtual community group for adoptive families with birth children, . Adopting your stepchild Adopting as a single parent View a printable version of this page Manage Cookie Preferences